The Pain Dreamer

by Felicia Fredlund on March 29, 2010

in Fiction

I am Felicia Fredlund – the Pain Dreamer.
I dream dreams of pain, of suffering, of angst.

Pain. The feeling of hurt.
Suffering. Soul deep pain.
Angst. Emotional pain.

Am I a sadist? Do I want to hurt you? Do I want to make you suffer? Do I want you to feel angst?
No. No. No. No.
I never wish pain on anyone. I never want anyone hurt. If I could take away everyone else’s pain by taking it myself, I would.
I dream – daydream – pain. Pain for my characters, for me, to overcome. Pain, suffering, and angst so crushing I wouldn’t be able to survive it in reality.
I suffer through the angst ridden daydreams to let go of pain. To let loose all bottled emotions I carry tight to my chest. A weight if left unchecked makes me so unstable I lash out at anything, and everything.

Pain for release.
Suffer to let go.
Angst to be free.

Those are my dreams at night, my conscious dreams. They are not light; they are not kind; they are not for you or for anyone else. They are not to be told, because I don’t wish to darken the day.
I must think darkness to balance my love of people, of places, of things. Not darkness on you, not darkness on anybody, but darkness for me. It makes me feel good; it gives me release; it makes me free.
Free to love by day. Free to hold family and friends close and strangers closer. Everyone has the potential to be good, to laugh, to love. I want to nurture that to make it grow.
I have empathy for everyone. Love for everyone. It tears the soul, fills it up with darkness. A darkness that needs to be released at night.

Balance.
Yin and yang.
Gemini.

I am a Gemini. It is said I have two faces; two masks. One mask of light and one mask of dark. Two faces to show the world – two potential personas to mould the world with. One I choose to shape my environment and one I shape my dreams with.
Yin and yang. Yin – the mask of night. Yang – the mask of day. They are the balance. Both exists, one would not be without the other. Love and Hate. Pain and Pleasure.
Pain is for night, for bottled emotions, for me; Pleasure is for day, for everyone else, for me. I am light by day, because I am dark by night. I need to be dark by night, because I choose to be light by day.

I dream dreams of pain, suffering and angst to live a life of light, love and empathy.

I create pain, soul deep suffering, and emotional angst. I create it with dreams. I create it with words. Words are the portal to emotions. Emotion is what it’s all about.

I am the Pain Dreamer. I write and dream darkness. It is not a darkness to destroy; it is a darkness to strengthen, to heal, and to create.

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TalysMana.com Be A Character In TalysMana Contest Entry

This is the entry in a contest. It’s not fiction (the category I choose to put it in), but it’s lyrical prose. So I think it fits.

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Easy Learning is the Bane of My Existence

by Felicia Fredlund on March 7, 2010

in General

I never thought I’d moan about having a logical mind. It’s sweet to have logic come easily to me. That means mathematics, chemistry, biology and other subjects have been easy to learn. Same with grammar, aside from the obligatory exceptions – we all have to practice those repeatedly.

This means learning has been easy to me. In school, and out of it.

This Is Problematic

At least to a degree. You see: when you pick up everything easily, you never understand that you have to expend effort to learn. You never have to discipline yourself because it comes to you anyway.

What is homework? I already understand everything we did in class.

Preparing for a test? Bah, I remember, because I understood it in class.

Guess what happens when something doesn’t come easily to me.

…

That’s right! I don’t expend any effort at all because I haven’t learned I need to do that. Usually this means I’ll ignore the thing that’s hard and go for something easier.

So why am I telling you this now? Because this blog was almost in the too hard category earlier this week.

Since I from the start knew this was a possibility, I invested money in the project up front. This gives me an easier time motivating myself when everything is difficult.

What Is Difficult?

First, and most important, is my expectations. They are too high.

I thought I’d breeze through the set up of my blog, the design, the writing of posts, the everything. I believe I was wrong on all accounts, but one. It’s not hard to write posts, or even come up with topics. The part I struggle with is the editing and realizing I’m nowhere near as good at writing blog posts as Brian Clark or Darren Rowse.

(Am I shooting myself in the foot for linking to them this early in my blog’s development? Maybe…first impressions are everything. I just hope mine becomes “Brave”.)

Secondly is that everything (about the blog) is a lot more difficult than I thought. It seems as if for every design part that is easy, there are five things that are hard.

So what have I learnt from this, and what can you learn?

Let it take time. Everything isn’t easy, and the most rewarding things in life to accomplish are the hard ones. Actually, that’s worth repeating.

The most rewarding things in life to accomplish are the hard ones.

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Temperance – A Virtue of Writing

March 1, 2010 Virtues

Temperance is one of the seven virtues. It’s a virtue of moderation. The Meaning of Temperance Early temperance movements were aimed at moderating the intake of alcohol. Those who preached this message wanted people to be sober or soberer (which is pretty understandable). Historical images of Temperance often showed wine being mixed with water. When Christianity [...]

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A Blog’s Kick-Start in the Blogosphere

February 28, 2010 General

Challenge: to write a series of posts about the 7 virtues and the 7 sins to kick-start this blog. The hard part is to relate all of them to writing, without repeating the writing related part (they overlap). The information about the virtues and sins I’ll get from Wikipedia. You, my blog and I “So [...]

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